and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
someone owes me an orgasm
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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