Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
