Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
