he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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