so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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