I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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