i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
