my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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