new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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