I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
