I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Someone came in the potted fern
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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