Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
