i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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