Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
