Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
