there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
