lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
