Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
