Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
