you're like a bully in the Christmas story
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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