He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
