The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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