when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
