no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
