His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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