he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
