oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
