is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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