My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
