1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
