Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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