my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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