I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
