i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
