I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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