grandma shit on top of the toilet
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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