You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
