Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i wish my penis had a tongue
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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