i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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