i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
