what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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