I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize