would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize