My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
