dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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