Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
