Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
