I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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