if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
