I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
