I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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