I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
