how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
