She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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